Tutelor of Nekkid – Artist: Heathen John

Horus was a young god 5,400 years ago. His first god gig was guarding Nekhen, which was the religious and political capital of upper Egypt. The job title: The Tutelar of Nekhen. Horus was a falcon in those days, and was famous for his eyes. His right eye was the sun, and left eye the moon. One night a few centuries later… Set and Horus argued drunkenly over who would drive a goddess home from the bar. The argument turned into a fight in the parking lot. Set ripped out one of Horus’ eyes and Horus tore off Set’s balls. Most would agree that Horus won the fight. Horus gave his eye to Osiris, who ate it. Horus franchised his good eye to an upstart sun god called named Ra and an old school god from his tutelar days named Wadjet. The franchise was so successful that the Eye of Horus is now one of the most popular god logos in history. Several centuries later… the young country America was broke and looking for a logo. Pierre Simitiere was an artist and drinking buddies with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. The copyright on the Eye of Horus had run out, so he added that to a pyramid to create the symbol now associated with US currency and Masons. Earlier this year… a non-existent consortium of nudist world leaders commissioned the pyramid that stands next to you. This is the Tutelar of the Nekkid. This tutelar guards the nekkid, bare assed and skyclad against unwanted drooling, groping and sunburn. The Eye of the Nekkid will follow as you walk around, and the pyramid will light up to warn the nekkid that your pretty yet potentially pervy pesky self is lurking about. The ritual of the Nekkid… if you get nekkid, stand inside the pyramid, and yell “Supershaggablesexynekkidelicious” 3 times while jumping up and down, then a few people might clap and Horus will bless you with admiration and guard you against sunburn and unwanted pervs when you are nekkid in public.

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